


Caught Up In Circles, Confusion Is Nothing New

by i_amthecosmos



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Foster Care AU, Frottage, Kissing, M/M, Mental Illness, Oral Sex, Past Sexual Abuse, Solo Liam, Unrequited Love, harry with mental illness, parental death off screen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 15:53:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12774366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_amthecosmos/pseuds/i_amthecosmos
Summary: Liam goes to his new foster home, and Louis is already there. But getting too close to foster siblings is a bad idea.





	Caught Up In Circles, Confusion Is Nothing New

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, here's what I spent the better part of two months on. Inspired by the news that Rose Christo (might have) spent her teen years in the foster system, I decided to do a foster care AU. I did not research this as well as I should have. Also, I decided that unrealistic or not, to give the boys kind foster parents (if not someone annoying).They had enough shit going on.

When Liam arrived at his new foster home, he’d expected there would be a few other kids there. When he got through the front door, there were two boys in the living room. The blonde one waved at him, but they didn’t say anything. His new foster dad let him gently by the arm down the hall, and opened the door into a room that had two bunkbeds. “Here you are Liam, you get the bunk on the bottom, left side. Get settled in, dinner’s soon. It’s good to have you.” Then he left, closing the door behind him. 

“Thank you,” Liam said too late. He was still in a daze about being in his third foster home in a few months. It seemed like he’d had a happy family one minute, and the next it was gone and now he was here. He sat down on the bunk bed, putting his battered thrift store suitcase under it. 

(He was grateful for the suitcase, make no mistake. A kind social worker named Melanie made sure he had it so he didn’t have to drag his stuff around in a rubbish bag. It made a difference.) 

Just when he was about to get up, the door opened. A small, wary boy with a sharp face poked his head in. “Who are you? Are you the new foster brother? Don’t take my bed, you get the bottom one.”

“I think that’s me,” Liam said, stammering. This bloke reminded him of his bullies a bit too much. “Liam Payne.” 

The other boy considered him thoughtfully, not saying anything. “Nice accent,” he finally said, and Liam wasn’t sure if he was being sarcastic. Liam nodded in response. “I’m Louis,” he said. “I’m from Doncaster. I guess this makes you the fifth brother.” Louis stood in the doorway, not wanting to get too close it seemed. He was staring a hole through Liam, and Liam made a note to try to avoid this one.

“There’s only four beds,” Liam said confused, and Louis ducked his head, chuckling without much humor. 

“I know. Harry gets his own room, the git.” Liam nearly opened his mouth to question that further, but then Brian the foster father called them to supper.

…

Supper was a bit tense. The big table was crowded with the foster parents Brian and Jessa, Liam, four other boys, and two young girls who seemed to be the natural children of the foster parents. Brian smiled when Louis and Liam got there. “Here he is, this is going to be your new brother. Liam, this is Niall, Zayn, Louis and Harry. And our girls Cath and Lissa. Everyone say hello.”

“Hey.” That was Niall. Zayn just nodded, and Harry gave him a fingerwave. Louis ignored him entirely in favor of loading his plate up with mash. Liam felt his cheeks heat. He never knew what to say to new people.

“Hi,” he said eventually, and Jessa passed the roast. Liam got some, and some of the potatoes that Louis hadn’t taken for his own. The meal was largely silent, with the exception of Jessa and Brian asking him questions. Liam didn’t much want to talk about his trip there, but he spoke when spoken to, like his parents had taught him.

He tried to sneak glances at the other boys, trying to see what their personalities were like. Niall seemed friendly, and he ate a lot and joked with the two little girls. Zayn was quiet and picked at his food. 

Harry was...strange. He rocked back and forth, seemingly not aware he was doing it until Zayn put a hand on his back. He stopped, but started again a few minutes later. He sang to himself too, too low for Liam to make out the tune. When Jessa said “Harry love, please don’t sing at the table,” he stopped, looking confused. 

Liam didn’t know what to make of any of that, so he finished his food quickly. “May I be excused?” 

“You can if you like, but we have cookies for dessert,” Jessa said, and both the little girls cheered. “If you really want to leave, we’ll save you a couple for a bedtime snack. You probably still need to get settled.” 

“Yes, if you don’t mind. Thank you for saving me some.” Liam got up and went back to his shared room. 

He unpacked is luggage and found an empty drawer in the shared dresser. It only took him five minutes to get everything settled, and then he got his tablet out. It was the last Christmas present he’d gotten from his parents, and he mostly used it for games. He played for a while, trying to forget about his circumstances. He stopped when he heard a knock on the door. “Yeah?”

It was Niall. “Hey. It’s homework and chores time. Brian and Jessa have us do our homework at the table, so they know we’re doing it. Harry’s filling the dishwasher, that’s his chore.”

“What’s mine?” Liam turned off his tablet and stood up. 

“Probably the bathrooms, that was the last guy’s job. But if you don’t like it we can switch. I don’t mind.” Liam decided he liked Niall. “Come on, homework’s not so bad if you have company.” 

“Says you,” Liam said, and that got him a laugh. 

… 

Liam did get stuck with the bathrooms, but he had cleaned them at home, before the accident that robbed him of his parents. He turned his brain off so he wouldn’t think about them, and got both bathrooms cleaned in record time. Jessa actually praised him for it. “I think you’re going to do well here Liam, we’re glad to have you.” Liam shut down the voice in his head that said _You’re glad to have the money the state gives you_ and tried to smile. 

Liam went back to his room as soon as he could. This was his third foster home in only six months, and on the surface it seemed okay. Nobody was yelling, it wasn’t creepy. It was just depressing, because he couldn’t go home. 

Later, the other boys came to rest for the night. Niall had the bunk above his, and looked down at him from the top. “Go brush your teeth, lights out is in fifteen minutes.” 

“Thanks for the reminder,” Liam said, and he went to the bathroom, having to wait because someone was in there. When Harry left, Liam went in and got ready for bed. Harry was still outside the door when he got back. 

“Hey,” he said, voice deep and slow. Harry was handsome, with wide eyes and curly hair. “Good to see you, nice to see a new face. What part did you come from?” 

Liam didn’t know what that meant. What part? Like, what town? “Um, I’m from the Midlands.” 

Harry nodded very seriously, eyes wide. “How are things there? I don’t know if we’re getting anymore help here, from the other side. Did you see the smoke signals?” 

Liam knew he probably looked horrified, but he didn’t know what to do. Harry wasn’t making any sense. Just then, Zayn came over and put a gentle arm around Harry. “It’s okay Harry. He hasn’t seen the signals yet. Don’t worry. Just go to your room, I’ll watch out for the signals.” Then he led a willing Harry to his single room. Liam suddenly understood why Harry got the single. 

When Zayn came back, he went up to Liam. “It’s okay. Harry’s harmless, but he’s not quite right. He’s taking medication for it, but they keep getting his dosages messed up. I think he’s been better since he got here, Brian and Jessa are pretty good at looking out for him. Don’t be scared of him, is all.”

“Okay, I won’t,” Liam said, and Zayn smiled slightly. “Is there anyone I should be scared of?”

“Louis likes to play tough, but he won’t hurt you. He’s all bluff. Niall’s one of my best friends. And I’m fine with everyone as long as they let me have my space. What about you?”

“I...” Liam trailed off. “I just wish I could go home.”

“Well, that’s all of us,” Zayn said. “You’ll get used to it here. Expect a lot of happy family stuff though, Brian and Jessa don’t like for us to be on our own much.” Liam grimaced and Zayn laughed. “I feel the same way. Well, time for bed.” Zayn headed for their shared room, and got into bed on top over Louis. Louis was in his bed, reading something on his phone. Liam didn’t say anything to him, but curled up in his new bed. The mattress was hard. The lights went out right about then.

…

Liam spent the better part of the next week adjusting to his new school and home. He missed his sisters terribly, but he was allowed to call them every afternoon. He wasn’t sure if it made him miss them any less-in fact, it might be making it worse. But he called them all the same.

The school already had a full track team and didn’t need anyone else, which was disappointing. Other than that there was nothing notable about the school.

“Home” was a bit of a different story. His time there was controlled as strictly as his new ‘parents’ could make it. Homework, dinner, chores, lights out, very little time alone. 

“Why do they keep us on such a tight rein?” He asked Zayn one night. They were in the hall, finsihed with their chores. Zayn shook his head, taking a minute before answering.

“They don’t want us to mess around with each other, basically. And they are terrified that someone will be out of line with their daughters or with Harry. Niall’s been here over a year, so they trust him to help with the girls. They kind of feel about Harry the way they do their girls, actually. I’ve overheard some phone conversations, I think they want to adopt him.”

“Wow. But it’s not like that happens, right? The messing around? And if they can, I hope they adopt Harry. I think he does well here.” He’d seen with his own eyes the love and patience his foster parents lavished on Harry. Harry seemed happy here. It would be a good match.

“Harry’s birth father doesn’t want to give up his rights, but he’s not in a good position to take care of him. It’s shitty.” Zayn walked toward their room. “Come on in, we’ll talk more.” Liam could understand the need for tact about this subject. 

They wound up sitting on Liam’s bed, the dusty blue blanket turned over. Liam took his shoes off. “I mean, are you dating Niall or something? I wouldn’t mind.”

Zayn laughed. “Nope. I don’t like him that way. He’s my best friend though. I’d hate it if one of us had to leave. I try not to think about that, actually.” Liam nodded, he’d seen close foster siblings get torn apart. He tried not to get too close to anyone. “But Louis, he and the guy who just left, they had something going on.” 

“Is that why Louis likes to stare at me?” Louis had been doing it since he got there, flitting between staring a hole through him, or acting like Liam wasn’t even there. Maybe Louis somehow blamed him for the last guy leaving. “He scares me. I don’t know if I want to be alone with him.” 

“He won’t hurt you,” Zayn said. “He’s fucked up, like we all are, misses his mum. But I’ll stay close to you if you don’t want to be alone with him. I don’t think he dislikes you.” 

“Oh that sounds reassuring,” Liam said, deadpan, and Zayn laughed, his eyes crinkling up. He’d started being deadpan funny after his parents died. It was a way to deflect some of the pain, and people tolerated his presence a bit more. 

“Don’t worry Liam,” Zayn said. Liam decided that Zayn probably knew what he was talking about, and nodded his agreement. Then they were called for homework time.

…

It was a few weeks later that Louis found him alone. Brian and Jessa had taken Harry to a new doctor, with the girls in tow. Zayn and Niall had some after school activities that Liam had never asked about. Liam went straight to his bunk, and curled up on it.

The tears came easily. He wanted to cry all the time, but he never got left alone enough to do it. The loss of his parents, and the fact that his sisters were deemed too poor and young to take him in, it worried at him all the time. So now that he was alone, he let it all out, sobbing and gasping, not caring about the noise. 

“Liam?” Liam stopped, right then. He’d forgotten about Louis. Louis barely ever spoke to him, even though the staring had gotten better.. But here he was, in his worn trackies and Oasis t-shirt, standing in the door. “Are you okay?”

Liam shook his head. “Just leave me to it,” he said, voice cracking. “Please.”

Instead Louis shook his head and moved so he was kneeling by Liam’s bunk. Liam frowned, confused, when Louis put a hand in his hair, stroking through the strands. “You can cry, it’s okay,” he said, entirely serious sounding. “I know what it’s like, you never get a moment to yourself do you? Everyone’s trying so hard to help, they won’t let you do stuff on your own.”

“I...” Liam didn’t know what to do with this Louis. The Louis he knew either glowered in silence or was cutting and sarcastic. But now Louis was being compassionate and Liam didn’t know what to do. “Thank you,” he said, thinking it wasn’t enough, not the reaction that this deserved. 

“It’s all right,” Louis said, and his hand slid out of Liam’s hair. “You’re a good boy, aren’t you? I’m not, that’s why I’m in foster care. I fucked around and got caught stealing sandwiches, and they took me from my home. I hate it, all of it. But the lads here are all right, at least.” 

None of them ever talked about their families. Liam had read that prisoners never asked each other what they were in for, it was bad form. That was the unspoken rule here too, but Liam figured they’d broken it. “My parents were killed in an accident. I wanted to live with one of my sisters, but for some reason they weren’t considered fit. So I’m stuck here. At least I got away from my school bullies.” 

“How could they not be fit? Let me guess-no money, right?” Liam nodded, and a tear splashed onto his shirt. “Shhhh, it’s all right. Scoot over.” 

Liam did so without thinking, and Louis crawled in with him. He got his skinny little arms around Liam, and hugged him, the two of them cuddled close. Liam started crying again, into Louis’s shoulder, until he was cried out. Then he sniffled and tried to catch his breath, Louis rubbing his back.

After a few minutes, Louis got up. “Stay here, I’ll bring you a cuppa.” Louis left their shared room, and Liam got out of his bunk, sitting on the floor and wiping his eyes. He felt guilty, like he was a burden to Louis somehow. He thought about telling him he didn’t have to get him tea, but he didn’t. If Louis wanted to be kind that was good, he figured. 

Louis was back a few minutes later with a tray of tea and biscuits, enough for two. He gently sat the tray on the floor and sat across from Liam. They had their tea and biscuits in silence. When he was done. Liam said “Thank you,” quietly. 

“It’s all right,” Louis said. “You just needed some tea, fixed you up right as rain.” Liam would have argued with that, but he heard the door open as Brian, Jessa and the others came in. Harry was singing something Liam didn’t know, and he sounded good. Louis noticed Liam’s interest.

“He’s got a right good voice, doesn’t he?” Liam nodded, and just then Jessa opened the door. 

“Hello boys,” she said, frowning when she saw the tea setup. “Everything okay here?” 

“Just fine,” Louis said. “Liam was feeling poorly so I fixed him a cuppa, that’s all.” Louia looked straight at Jessa, not backing down. After a minute Jessa nodded and held her hands out for the tray. Louis gave it to her. Jessa left the door cracked a bit. Louis looked at Liam and rolled his eyes.

“They watch me like a hawk.” Liam was reminded of what Zayn had said, about the guy before him. He wondered if Louis was setting something like that up, and if he was okay with it. He thought he could be, if Louis was gentle with him. But he didn’t know how to say any of that, so he just nodded.

…

Things were different with Louis, after that. They spent more time together, most of it silent study or doing little things like making tea for each other. The hostility that Liam thought was there seemed gone. Maybe it was never there in the first place.

He didn’t get much time to think about it of course. Brian and Jessa kept them on their schedule, and were far too happy and chirpy for Liam’s taste. He was pretty sure Zayn felt the same way. Liam could tell the difference between the forced cheer they bestowed on the rest of them versus the way they treated Harry. Liam hoped that Harry’s father would see the light and let him be adopted. He deserved to be happy. 

A few weeks later, Louis slid into the bathroom while Liam was brushing his teeth. Liam moved to the side so he could get at the sink, but Louis didn’t move, instead staring at him through the mirror’s reflection. “Um, do you need the mirror?” Liam said, starting to feel worried. Did he look bad or something?

Louis didn’t answer, but he came closer, until he was right against Liam’s side. Both of Louis’s arms snaked around Liam’s middle, and Liam stilled. Louis was still watching him, looking at his reflection as Liam didn’t react to Louis’s touch. 

Liam broke the staring contest by spitting out his toothpaste. Louis blinked, then laughed, dropping his arms. “Sorry Liam, should’ve left you to it,” he said. Then he got his own toothbrush, hip-checking Liam over so he could have more room. After that, they finished getting ready for bed. 

Liam went to bed still not sure what the hell that was, but positive he wasn’t offended or angry. Louis would probably not do that again, anyway.

…

A week later, Liam was done with homework time, and went to the TV room his foster parents had in their basement. Nobody was in their yet. Normally Niall got finished first and went downstairs to play games, but not today. Liam put football on in triumph. Finally he got his pick.

A few minutes later, he heard the door to the basement stairs slam, then Jessa’s scolding voice. The door was then opened a crack, and someone came down the stairs. A second later, Liam got Louis sitting very close to him on the couch. “Football. Brilliant.”

“Yeah, I’m glad it’s not Mario Kart again.” Louis giggled, and they watched it. After a minute, Louis put his open hand on Liam’s leg. He didn’t squeeze or move far up his leg, he just left his hand there. Liam didn’t know what to do-nobody had ever been much interested in him. He tried looking at Louis’s face, but Louis stared straight ahead as if he didn’t know what his body was doing. 

Liam decided the best way to react was with action: he put his own hand over Louis’s. Louis didn’t turn, but Liam could see his eyes widen. Liam entangled his fingers with Lou’s, and Louis visibly swallowed. They stayed that way until Liam heard Niall cheer. He let go, and Louis shoved to the other side of the couch before Niall came bounding down the stairs. 

That night, right before lights out, Louis got Liam in the bathroom long enough to shove him against the door and kiss him, hands on his face. Liam had just started to kiss back when he stopped. “Sorry,” Louia whispered in his ear. “We can’t get caught, you understand? They’ll send one of us somewhere else.” 

Liam remembered the former foster brother, who nobody talked about. He nodded, looking Louis in the face. Louis could still terrify him, but he was beginning to think that Louis didn’t want to beat him up. He was pretty sure, anyway. 

“Good boy.” And then Louis stepped back, and Liam opened the bathroom door like nothing had happened. He was half hard, but he could ignore it. They were put to bed, and Liam closed his eyes. It took a while, but he went to sleep.

He woke up to someone shaking his shoulders. “Huh?” He opened is eyes, but it was still dark outside. It was Louis, with Brian in the doorway. “What’s wrong?” 

“Harry’s taken off, we’re gonna go and find him. Get dressed.” Liam sat up so quickly that he bumped his head, and Louis hissed in sympathy. “Come on, he likes you, he might come when he sees you.” 

This was true, Harry would say at least a few words to him every day when Liam did his homework, even though he didn’t have study time with them (Jessa was schooling him at home). Always a few words, most of them not making any sense. “Okay,” he said, and he pulled on the clothes he’d dumped on the floor.

As the three of them went outside, he saw Jessa wringing her hands while Zayn and Niall sat with her over cups of tea. “Why are they staying?” Liam whispered. 

“Harry can get scared if he sees lots of people coming at him at once,” Brian said. Brian’s voice was worried, and Liam nodded. “Come on lads, we’re going to split up. Here’s your torch, Liam.” Liam took it, and turned it on. “Remember to speak gently to him, he panics if he gets yelled at. Damn his last foster family to hell.” Liam’s eyes widened-he’d never heard Brian talk like that.

“Yeah, let’s go. I’m taking the side street.” Louis headed down by himself, and Liam fought the urge to go with him. Louis could take care of himself but he was still small. Brian headed down the main street, and Liam took what was left-a street that dead-ended out, on the right side of the main road. It was dark, and the street wasn’t very well lit. He put the torch ahead of him and took deep breaths to calm himself. 

“Harry?” He called, timid. He didn’t want to scare Harry any more than he already was. He knew by now that his delusions were generally military based, so if he was hiding he likely was thinking someone was after him. Liam tried to keep an eye out in the dark. He jumped when his torchlight passed over a fox in a garbage can, but he didn’t cry out. “Harry, are you here?”

He heard a small whimper, and moved closer. “Harry? I haven’t seen any signals today, I promise. I think it’s all clear. Can you come out so I can see you?” There was a figure in the dark behind a large bin, and it was rocking back and forth. “It’s me, Liam. You know me, don’t you?” He hoped that Harry did know him.

“They sent you?” That was Harry’s voice, small and timid. “They were coming for me, Liam, they said I had to go.” Liam shook his head, which made Harry scowl. “They did!”

“I’m sorry,” Liam said. “We just want to take you back. Are you ready to go back now? It’s safe. I promise it’s safe. I wouldn’t lie to you.” Liam held out his hand, and after a moment Harry took it. “We’re going to walk over here. Brian and Louis are with me.”

“Louis is a good lad,” Harry said quietly. He was gross and stinky from hiding behind the bin, and he looked tired, like he hadn’t slept. Liam knew that voices and delusions kept him up sometimes, and wondered how bad this episode was. Harry held on to Liam’s hand as he walked with him.

“I’m going to whistle to alert Brian and Louis,” Liam said gently. “There’s no enemies around, I promise.” Harry nodded, and Liam let go of Harry’s hand, put two fingers in his mouth and whistled. Harry kept close to him, waiting for the others. 

Louis showed up first, with Brian not far behind. Brian pushed past the two of them and hugged Harry. “There you are. Come back in, we’ll get you some tea,” Brian said, and Liam looked over at Louis, who seemed proud. Liam smiled at him, and wondered if he’d passed a test. Then Brian led them all back.

...

The fallout from Harry’s running away was worse than Liam expected. When he got back from school up the next day, Harry was gone. At first he thought that Brian and Jessa had changed their minds and sent him on his way, but Jessa was crying at the table. “What happened?”

“Harry had to go back to hospital,” she said between sobs. “He needs a bit more care than we can give him now. Brian’s on the phone with Services, we’re afraid they’ll remove him because he got out.” 

“They can’t do that,” Liam said, even though he knew that of course they could. “You do your best with him, I’ve seen it. I’m so sorry. Can I get you something?” He thought about all the stupid, well-meaning people who said that to him when his parents died, but he couldn’t help himself. He really wanted to help.

“No, you were wonderful Liam, bringing him back like that. He shouldn’t be in the hospital very long, just to get his medication adjusted and maybe see some behavioral experts. I just hope he can come home.” She dabbed at her eyes with a napkin, and Liam sat beside her.

“Zayn told me about Harry’s father.” Jessa nodded. “I wish I could help.” Jessa patted his hand, and they sat in silence until Brian came back from being on the phone. Jessa got up and hugged him, and Liam left then.

…

“You’re like, the hero of the day.” That was Niall. When Liam got back to his room, the other three had gotten him some sweets from the cornershop to celebrate him bringing Harry back. “You got him back without fuss. I’ve heard him sometimes when he’s in one of his fantasies. He’ll scream like bloody murder.”

“I just brought him back from the alley,” Liam said. “But yes, I think Harry likes me. And I like him.” Everyone else nodded, Louis the hardest. “But has anyone seen what he’s like when his medications are working?”

Zayn shared a look with Niall. “He’s okay. He’s different. He’s usually grumpy.” Liam was surprised-he figured Harry would be happy to not be fighting an enemy every day-but there you go. “It’s hard for him. His condition.” 

“Yeah,” Louis said. “Most of our lives suck. Harry’s lucky in that he usually doesn’t know it.” Liam winced-that was a bit too on the nose. He took another bite of the flake Zayn had got him in the awkward silence that followed Louis’s statement. “Oh, Brian told me that they’re going to church Sunday, but we have a choice if we want to go or not.”

“They haven’t been keen on pushing religion on me, which is fine,” Zayn said. “I like it here more than most places just for that reason.” Zayn got one of the cigarettes he would sneak behind Jessa’s back. “I’m going to sit on the back porch. If anyone wants to come.” 

Niall followed, waving to Liam and Louis as they left. After a couple of minutes, Louis slowly closed the door, then walked up into Liam’s space. “Put the flake down, I want to kiss you.” 

Liam was so surprised he dropped his flake on the floor. Just as he looking down horrified, Louis tipped his face up by his chin and kissed him hard, biting his lip. Liam make a surprised noise and kissed him back. They kissed for a long time before Louis let him go.

“You’re brilliant,” Louis said. “You like kissing, you’re brilliant with Harry. You’re just all-around brilliant. God, I want to do so much to you.”

Liam swallowed. He still wasn’t sure how far he wanted to go with Louis, although he liked all the touches. “Don’t think we can do much now, too many people in the house,” Liam said. “But so you know, I’m all right with some stuff. Handies, touching, like that. Um, if you want to.” It suddenly hit him that maybe Louis didn’t like him all that much.

“What about blowies?” Liam nodded, but blushed a little. “We can work up to that. And if we were fast, we could get off now, unless you don’t want.” Liam shook his head. “No?”

“Too many people, don’t know when Niall and Zayn are coming back,” Liam said. “I don’t think either of them wants to see that.” Louis nodded then, and stepped back a bit. 

“True. If they had any leanings that way they’d be a couple now. I’m sorry if I was forward. But you’re not mad, are you?” Liam shook his head. “Good. Come town to the cornershop with me, and I’ll get you another flake.” 

…

When Sunday came around, only Niall went to church with their foster family. Zayn looked at Liam and Louis with a quirked eyebrow, and then disappeared into the basement to play games. Liam was sure then that Zayn knew what was up between him and Louis, but it didn’t embarrass him all that much. Now he was alone with Louis, and-oh.

Louis had moved in close, as he liked to. He kissed Liam softly, brushing his lips against Liam’s, and looked up at him. “Do you want to lie on my bunk? It’s small but we can fit if we’re on top of each other.” 

“You want to get on top of me?” Liam was nervous, but he ran his hand down Louis’s back, experimentally. He just brushed it over Louis’s bum, not squeezing, but Louis hissed and kissed him again, harder. Then he pulled back and tried to drag Liam to his bed by the hand.

“Easy,” Liam said. “Let me get my jeans off.” He didn’t think jean burn would be sexy. Louis nodded and pulled his trackies off, leaving him in his pants. When Liam had them off he took a deep breath, trying to ground himself. “Sorry,” he said as Louis waited on him.

“For what? You’re lovely to watch.” Liam looked away, embarrassed. “Stop it, you are. You haven’t played around with boys before?” 

“Um. Nobody. Nobody ever wanted me.” Liam felt his face burn, and he turned away for a moment, trying to get his bearings. Louis wasn’t bullying him, but it was still horrible. “I don’t know why. Everyone at school hated me. I’m sorry, this isn’t very sexy.”

He turned back around to find Louis standing up again, but not getting into his space. Instead he was chewing his lip, looking worried and sympathetic. After a minute he met eyes with Liam and nodded. Liam nodded too, and they got on the bed, Louis on top. 

It was strange at first. Louis smelled like Axe deodorant and nipped at his lip a little too hard. It made Liam wonder if he was nervous too. Liam moved his hand, running it down Louis’s back to the swell of his bum again. 

“Oh. Good,” Louis said, and then he started moving, grinding against Liam. Liam gasped and Louis covered Liam’s mouth with his, as they figured out how to moved together. 

Louis was quick, restless, moving all over the place if Liam didn’t try to guide him. Louis would buck and Liam would try to hold him still, get him to go slower. It didn’t always work, but finally Louis just settled on top of Liam, kissing him, and they rocked together slowly until Liam came in his pants. 

Louis broke the kiss and huffed out a little excited breath. “Oh, good, brilliant. Just a little more...” Liam moved with him, trying to help him along, and eventually Louis came, burying his head in Liam’s neck. “Oh.”

They laid there like that for a minute, Liam scratching down Louis’s back every now and then. Soon he started to feel sticky, and nudged Louis. “Hey. We should clean up.” Liam felt good, lighter. He’d hoped his first time wouldn’t be awful-he’d heard a lot of stories online from gay teens who felt taken advantage of. This was really good. He’d even got a bed. He didn’t know how to tell Louis that, though.

“Hmm?” Louis raised his head, blinking blearily at Liam. Had he been near sleep? It looked like it. “Oh, yeah.” Louis slid out of the bunk and stood up. “Come with me. I’m sure the bathroom’s free. I’ll clean you up.” 

“Okay.” Liam was shy about leaving their shared room in his pants, but Louis checked to make sure it was all clear, then they heading for the bath. Louis started a sink of hot water, and washed both of them with a flannel, before dropping it on the floor and kissing Liam again. “Um. Thank you,” Liam said.

“What for?” Louis asked, like he didn’t know that was Liam’s first time. “Are you okay?” He asked, and Liam nodded. “That’s good. We’ve got some more time before the rest of them get back. Do you want to get dressed and go outside, or down to play with Zayn?” 

Louis wasn’t giving him an option to stay inside alone and panic of what they’d done. Louis was smarter than he looked. “Um. I guess maybe go for a walk before joining up with Zayn.” Louis beamed, like he’d been hoping that Liam would want to spend more time with him. “Okay. I’ll go back to our room.” He walked away from Louis, thinking he needed just a bit of distance, and least enough to get his jeans back on.

Louis took the hint and didn’t leave the bath until Liam was dressed and out of the bedroom. He waited for Louis in the living room, counting the pocket money he had, which wasn’t much. “You ready?” Louis said when he saw Liam. Louis was dressed in a new tracksuit, red with white stripes. It looked good on him.

“Yeah. We’re just heading down the street right?” If Louis wanted to run away with him, that would be too much too soon.

“Yeah, we’re going to the chippie, I got a little money from me mum this week. No roast for us this Sunday, alright?” Louis looked happy and pleased with himself, so Liam went along with it. Jessa made a nice roast, but he could use some chips.

The weather was cool, and Liam wished he’d brought a coat. But they found a chip takeaway soon enough. Liam got curry sauce and Louis fish, and they both got piles of chips. They walked down to an empty apartment building and sat on the steps to eat. 

“Thanks for this,” Liam said as he ate his chips with sauce. “Can I ask you something?”

“You’re welcome. And sure, go ahead.” Louis looked smug again, as if he knew what Liam was going to say.

“Zayn told me, you know. About the other boy that lived here. That you were...you know. With him.”

Louis didn’t seemed bothered, at first. But Liam could see how still he went around the eyes. Louis fished a cigarette out of his track pants, and lit it, taking a drag before passing it over. Liam shook his head. “Zayn has a big mouth,” Louis said. “But I suppose he only wanted to protect you.”

“Protect me from what? From you? What are you going to do to me?” Now Liam was actually worried, wondering if he just shouldn’t throw his chips in the bin and go back to Brian’s house. “What have I signed up for?”

“Just some fun,” Louis said softly. “Just something to do, while we wait every day to see if we’ll be reunited with out parents or not. You’re fit and you have the nicest eyes I’ve ever seen, and you were so unhappy. That’s everyone here, but now you don’t look so sad.” 

“Is that why you stared at me so much when I first got here?” Louis shrugged, not looking him in the eye. “Look, it’s fine. I don’t mind, it’s fun.” He figured it would be fine, to have something casual going on. “I’m glad you didn’t want to beat me up, that’s what I thought at first.” 

“No, I would never. I could tell that would be a bad idea.” Liam’s confusion must have shown on his face because Louis said “You can always spot a bullied kid. I wouldn’t dare mess with you. You’d throw me out the window if you got mad enough.”

“At least you understand what I’m capable of,” Liam said seriously, and then they both laughed, giggling over their chip plates Liam looked over at Louis, and he looked sunny and carefree. Then a crow came by and tried to steal their chips, and they had to head back home, their food held close to their chests. 

…

Zayn said nothing when they came back with food and pop from the cornerstore, except to bitch that they didn’t get him any. Liam offered to give him some of his chicken curry, but Zayn declined. “It’s hard to eat chippie curry when you’re used to the real thing,” he said. Louis and Zayn started a game together, and Liam took that as a sign to head back upstairs.

Liam played with this phone, texted Roo and tried to keep busy while his mind tried to make sense of Louis. All he knew for was that (1) he liked what they did and (2) they would have to keep it a secret. He believed it when Louis said they’d have to leave if they were discovered, and he as much as he wanted out of foster care, he didn’t want to leave that way. 

He toed off his trainers and got into bed, needing a nap suddenly. He woke up when the others got home, Niall’s voice carrying back to their room. He turned over in his bed, and decided to stay there. He’d leave the room when Jessa called him to dinner and not a moment sooner.

He woke up again to Louis’s hand on his face. He looked over at him, about to ask what he was doing, but Louis just stroked his face softly, then stood up. “Do you want to come to the living room? We’re gonna watch some movies, as a _family_.” The sneer he put on that word made Liam laugh, and Louis grinned in response. 

“I don’t know. I kind of want to be left alone. “What’s the movie?” 

“Still trying to figure that out. Zayn wants superhero, Niall wants Once, and I want something with gangsters in it. Jess and Brian want something with a moral, and the girls want Disney princesses. This is pretty normal for whenever they try to plan a bonding experience.” 

 

“In that case, I vote for Iron Man.” Liam got up and stretched his arms over his head, then did some more stretches and a few push-ups. Louis watched him in silence, eyebrow quirked up. “What?” Liam sat cross-legged on the floor. “What’s interesting about me exercising?” 

“Oh nothing, nothing at all, you’re just hot as fuck when you move like that, is all.” Liam didn’t know what the hell Louis was talking about. “You mean to tell me you don’t know what you look like?” Liam was about to answer when the was a muffled call from the living room. “Never mind, we’ll talk about that later. See you in the living room.” And then Louis was gone. 

Liam looked at his reflection in the mirror later that night, but he still couldn’t see anything special about his looks. Maybe Louis liked skinny insecure boys, who knew. 

…

A couple of days later, Harry was back. Brian took him home from hospital early one morning, but Liam didn’t see him until dinner. Harry didn’t look at all happy to be back-his cheery singing and rocking were gone, and he just automatically ate his food and excused himself to his room soon as he could. Liam must have looked worried, because Jessa said “Just give Harry a few days to adjust to his medication. He’s having a hard time right now.” 

“Okay,” Liam said, remembering what the others had said about him being grumpy when he was out of the hospital. “Should I get him some of dessert, knock on his door with it?”

“Not right yet,” Brian said, nodding at Liam for the idea. “Give him an hour.” 

“Okay. May I be excused as well?” Liam got up when they told him yes, put his plate in the dishwasher, and grabbed a book he had to read for school. Ten minutes after he was settled in their room, Louis came in.

Liam didn’t know what to expect, it was a busy time of evening, but Louis just grabbed his own book and sat next to him, poking him with his elbow a bit but otherwise not interacting. It was another ten minutes before Louis whispered “Don’t worry about Harry. He just needs some time.”

Liam nodded, looking over at Louis. Louis moved his hand to Liam’s knee and squeezed it before pulling away. Liam thought about how Louis, and Harry and the other lads were slowly becoming important to him, and how bad an idea that was. He might not even be here next week. 

“Don’t worry so much,” Louis said, reading his mind. “Things are okay, right? For now?” Liam looked over and nodded again. “Good. That’s the best we can do.” 

“One day at a time,” Liam said. “That’s what my favorite social worker said.”

“Oh, you have a favorite,” Louis snarked, elbowing him again. “Mine have all been twats, from the beginning. But that’s good at least, that your social worker tries to act like one. You still part of their caseload?”

“No. She got promoted.” He still missed Miriam a bit, but he was missing a lot of people, it seemed like. Liam put his book down. “I don’t know how to handle this, sometimes.” He closed his eyes, feeling a headache coming on. 

“Shhh. That’s why you and me help each other. It’s tough, I know. I’m just trying to help. I’d be trying right now if I didn’t know Jessa was going to call us in a few minutes.” Liam snorted. “See, you’re laughing. You’ll be okay.” 

“I hope so,” Liam said back, and Louis preened. Right then, Liam felt happy, like he didn’t have to do anything else to stay that way. He grinned crookedly, and Louis did too. They sat silently, ignoring their books, until Brian called them. 

…

 

It was a couple more days before Liam say Harry in the den, playing video games alone. “Never seen you do that before.” He sat on the couch next to Harry as he turned the game off.

“Never had the attention span for it before,” he said. “Now I try to enjoy it, but it’s not easy. It’s not easy to enjoy anything.” Harry lapsed into sullen silence. “Thanks for getting me, by the way,” he said. “I actually remember that, which is unusual.”

“You’re welcome.” The sat in silence for a while, Harry staring ahead. After a few minutes Liam said “So do you feel better? Like at all?”

“I’m more lucid, but I don’t feel good,” was Harry’s answer. “When I’m having the delusions it can be terrifying but I think I know what’s happening and what to do. Then I wake up and I’m just a kid who’s parents couldn’t handle him, and can’t get adopted. I like it better the other way.”

“I never thought of it that way.” He almost wished that Harry hadn’t said anything, that was horrible. “I’m really sorry. You don’t deserve this.”

“None of us do,” Harry said softly. “Louis told me you lost your parents. But you have sisters?” Harry sounded wistful. “I have a sister. She used to keep in touch, but I haven’t seen her in a long time.” Harry curled up on himself. “Every time they try to balance me out, I’m just depressed. I try to get used to it, but sooner or later I’m off my medication, or it stops working, and I’m back where I started.”

Liam didn’t know what else to say, so he came in closer. He put his arms around Harry slowly, giving him time to push him off if he wanted. Harry didn’t, and they snuggled together for a moment. Liam kissed Harry’s forehead, and he giggled. 

“Like I’m a little kid,” he said. “I don’t mind. It’s sweet.” Liam hugged him a while longer, then let go. “Thanks. It’s nice to know people care, even if I don’t believe them most of the time.” 

“I think you should,” Liam said. “You’re a very kind person. You don’t mean anyone harm, ever. And Jessa and Brian love you-they were afraid you’d be taken away.” Harry nodded, still looking ahead at the TV, even though it wasn’t playing. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

“I know they do, but sometimes I still don’t believe it.” Harry shifted around, a bit closer to Liam. “Put something on. Something nice-no horror movies or thrillers. Cartoons, or a rom-com. Something like that.” 

“Okay.” Liam flipped through the movies until he found a nice sounding one, and they sat to watch it. It was actually good, and they sat together for a while, Liam with his arm around Harry. 

An hour later, Louis came downstairs and found them sitting cuddled up. Louis stood there a second, not speaking, and then sat on Liam’s other side. “Hey,” Liam said, but Louis didn’t answer. Liam could see Louis’s face in profile, and how he had his jaw clenched. He moved his arm from Harry’s shoulder slowly, and leaned a bit closer to Louis.

“I thought there was something between you two,” Harry said suddenly. He’d been silent during the movie. “It’s hard for me to tell these things, but I thought so.”

“Shhh. The door’s open at the top of the stairs, and Jessa’s home. Don’t say anything about it.” Louis looked over at Liam, a bit angry and possessive. “Having a good time? Getting cozy?” He said, and Liam just stared. Why was Louis acting like this now?

“Calm down,” Harry said in a quiet voice. “Liam was just trying to cheer me up, giving me a cuddle. Don’t be jealous. It’s not right.” Louis looked away, and Liam wondered how this had gotten complicated all of a sudden. They were just helping each other, right? This was supposed to be fun.

Liam stood up. “I’ll be in our room,” he said, and walked out. He didn’t need this, he didn’t need Louis getting jealous and weird. He went upstairs and was glad to find the room empty. He closed the door, but didn’t lock it, in case Zayn or Niall needed something. He wished he had his own room again, so he could slam the door and be left alone. He never got that luxury anymore.

A few minutes later, he heard a knock. “Liam?” Of course it was Louis, he couldn’t get away from him for a second. “Let me in?”

Liam didn’t answer at first, dull anger rising up in him. “It’s not locked,” he said. Louis opened the door slowly, finding Liam sitting on the floor. Louis closed the door and sat across from him, leaning against his bed. 

“I’m sorry,” Louis said. “I should’ve known you weren’t doing anything with Harry. I just got jealous all of a sudden. I don’t know why. Don’t be mad.”

Liam stared at him, trying to figure out what to say. “I don’t belong to you,” he said, and Louis visably flinched. “Just because we kiss and shagged one time doesn’t mean you get to boss me around. You said it was for fun, so even if I was playing around with Harry, and I wasn’t, you don’t have a say in it. So, yeah,” he ended weakly. 

“I’m sorry,” Louis said. “You didn’t have to hurt me like that.” They lapsed into silence, Liam looking at the carpet. “Please look at me.” Liam looked up, and saw Louis sitting bunched up, tense. “Maybe I want more from you than you can give me now. I’ll back off, if you want.”

Liam didn’t want that, however. “Just...don’t be weird. Okay? I don’t know what I want, and I’m already too attached to everyone here. What if I go somewhere else tomorrow? I like it, and it’s fun. Okay?”

“I get it,” Louis said, and he turned away. Liam tried to pretend he didn’t see Louis wiping his eyes, but he couldn’t do anything. It was for the best if they didn’t let it get serious. After a few minutes, Louis left. Liam didn’t follow him.

…

The next day, Louis got held over from school. Jessa had to go and talk to the head, and Liam heard three different stories about what he’d done to get in trouble. Liam didn’t know what to do, so he just walked back to the home, wondering if it was his fault. 

Jessa and Louis got back later, Louis looking defiant. There was a long conversation at the table. Liam wasn’t there for it, but in their room he could hear the words ‘disappointing’ and ‘seemed to be doing better’. Were they going to kick Louis out? Liam didn’t know how he felt about Louis, but he really, really didn’t want him to leave. 

It seemed a long time before Louis came back to their room. He saw Liam and almost turned around. Liam didn’t know what to do, so he said “Hey.”

Louis let out a dry, strangled laugh. “’Hey’, he says.” He got into his bed, trainers still on, and curled up. Liam sat there, and after a few minutes moved so he was closer to Louis. “Don’t,” Louis said. “Whatever it is, don’t do it.”

“Why not?” Liam said, and Louis swore as he pushed his face into the pillow. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Louis. Is that why you’re doing this?” It struck him then that Louis might be trying to be moved to a new household. “Are you trying to leave?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.” Louis lifted his face from the pillow and looked at him with red eyes. “That really hurt, what you said. I’m so mad at you, but I can’t be because you’re right. And now-maybe it would be best if I go. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to go back to mum’s or not. But maybe...I don’t know. I don’t know anything.” Louis curled up again, and Liam put a gentle hand on his arm. Louis didn’t shove him off.

“I was angry because you were jealous is all,” Liam said softly. “I didn’t think it was fair, and I hit back. I shouldn’t have hit quite so hard. Don’t let this ruin things for you. I still want to be your friend. I told you that.” Louis wiped at the snot under his nose. “Maybe you should go clean up.”

“Fuck you Liam, I’ll lie here with snot on my face if I want to.” Louis looked past Liam, and after a minute looked back at him. “You are so beautiful,” Louis said, in a flat, almost angry voice. “You have no idea how beautiful and innocent you look. You’re a painting come to life.” 

Liam had no idea what to say to that, so he just squeezed Louis’s arm. After a moment, Louis got out of bed and headed to the loo closest to their room. Liam could hear the water running. He didn’t expect Louis to come back, but he did. He got back on the bed, and they sat in silence until they were called to help with dinner.

…

Things were strained between them after that. Louis didn’t act up anymore at school, at least no more than usual, but they were quiet when together. At the same time, they didn’t avoid each other, but instead sat around in silence. Occasionally Louis would say something or pull him in for a hug, but that was it.

Liam didn’t know what to do. He now knew that no matter what he thought, Louis thought more of him. That this was a relationship that neither of them were really ready for or able to do. He couldn’t figure out what to do.

He tried telling Niall about it, but that just earned him a confused look at Niall tried to puzzle out an answer. “So you’re shagging Louis and he’s too attached? But you won’t break it off so you two are doing this weird limbo thing? Is that it?”

“Basically?” Liam rubbed his face. “Should I break it off? Whatever we’re doing, I’m not ready for it, I’ve proven that.” 

“I don’t know what to tell ya. I don’t have a lot of experience with that myself. Just...Louis acts big, I know, but he’s got a lot going on. He really misses home.”

“Thanks.” Liam thought about the guy who was there before him. Louis managed to never talk about him. “Do you know anything about the other boy?”

“George? I didn’t know they were fucking around until after he left,” Niall said, and Liam gave up for the day. Niall was a great lad, but not much help in this case. 

…

The next day, it was Sunday and church time again. This time everyone left except him and Louis, which didn’t seem like an accident to him. “Do you think they’re clearing out so you and me can talk?” Louis looked up from his phone, faintly surprised. 

“Yeah. I didn’t know if you noticed though. The lads, at least. I think Brian and Jessa think we hate each other.” Liam nodded. They didn’t interact much when their ‘parents’ were around. 

“You probably gave them that impression when you used to glare at me,” Liam said, and Louis snorted in response. “You still do it sometimes.”

“Just in public.” Louis put down his phone and looked at Liam. His face was blank, Liam had no idea what he was thinking. “I want you to come over her. I want to play with you. But things will be weird if you do. But I still want it.”

Liam shifted a little closer. “I want to. But I don’t want us to feel bad about it later. Could we just try to enjoy it without getting worried and sad later? You’re my first, I just want to have fun.” He hoped that didn’t sound too callous.

“I’m you’re first? I thought I might be. But you’ve never been with girls?” 

Liam scooted over closer. “I kissed a girl once, and I didn’t see what the big deal was. But I still thought maybe it was just her. But then I got put in foster care. Some of those boys were fit.” Like Louis, he thought. 

“They are.” Louis thought about the guy Louis had been shagging before him. He still didn’t know why that boy had left. Did they get caught? Did Louis become needy there too? He didn’t know how to ask. And he knew he should be staying away from Louis. But, Lou was right there and looking tired and cuddly. So Liam kissed him.

Louis immediately kissed back, putting both hands on Liam’s face and trying to take the kiss over. Liam didn’t let him, wanting to try to have control over this, over Louis. Louis seemed to want to settle down into Liam’s skin and wear him, and Liam couldn’t have that.

They kept kissing, until Louis pulled away and stripped his shirt off. “Here, or in the shower? We’ve got just enough time.” 

Now Louis was bossing things again. But Liam just went with it and said, “Um, shower. What are you wanting to do in it?”

“Depends, but if you’re into it I’d like to suck your cock.” Liam felt his dick jump a bit and he nodded again, sure he was turning red. Louis moved past him and bounded to the bathroom to run the waer. That gave Liam a minute to get it together. 

He pulled his clothes off, except for his pants, and then did a few deep breaths before entering the bathroom. Louis turned around when he came in and kissed him hard. Liam let him control this one, feeling too off-kilter to fight him now. He did pull Louis in closer, which he clearly liked. 

“Okay, I’m getting in. Come in whenever you’re ready.” Louis pulled his clothes off and got in the shower. Liam breathed through his nerves again, then pulled off the pants and got in with him.

Louis’s naked body was very nice. Small and slim, with an uncut cock like his. Liam looked him over for a minute, and then came closer, shy. Louis pulled him in, and then spun him around so his back was against the shower wall. Then he dropped to his knees. 

Liam smacked his head against the wall when Louis pulled back the foreskin with one hand, and started sucking the head. “Oh my good. That’s amazing.” Louis just twinkled up at him and kept going. Liam put a hand on the back of Louis’s head, to steady him, but he didn’t seem to need help. He knew exactly what he was doing, and he had Liam coming before he knew it. Liam gasped as Louis swallowed around his cock, and he nearly slid to the floor, closing his eyes.

Liam came back to his body to find Louis kissing his neck, and stroking his own cock, up next to Liam’s body. “I can do it back,” Liam gasped, and Louis shook his head, not stopping. “Why not?”

“Just turn around, brace against the wall. I want to rub off on your bum. Okay?” Louis looked up to him then, looking serious and also really turned on. Liam turned around, putting his hands on the wall. 

“Don’t hurt me,” he said as Louis fumbled around. There was a pause.

“Not going to hurt you Liam,” Louis said. “I’m not going to penetrate, I just want to push in between your cheeks. You might like it.” Louis got something-soap, or lotion-and slicked himself up. Liam closed his eyes, but Louis kept to his word. He just rubbed off on Liam’s bum. It wasn’t particularly erotic for Liam, but he didn’t mind at all. 

“You okay?” Louis said, after a minute. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No, go ahead,” Liam said. “It’s kind of nice.” He was feeling good, warm, after getting sucked off. “Do you want me to move back on you?”

“Well now that I know you’re okay, you don’t have to.” Louis moved a hand to Liam’s hip, and Liam did move, a quick jerk of motion. “Oh, never mind, do that again.” Liam giggled. “See, there you go, it’s fun right?” Liam moved with Louis this time, and Louis groaned. He came soon after. Liam felt Louis go boneless against him, and felt a kiss to his shoulder. 

When they were done, they kissed for a few minutes under the spray, then Louis turned off the water. Liam figured he needed to talk to him, about how much Louis seemed to be invested, but he didn’t know what to say. 

They both dried off and used the hairdryer, and then got dressed in the clothes they had on. Maybe Brian and Jessa wouldn’t notice anything. Liam pulled Louis in for one more kiss, then he went back to their room. Louis didn’t follow.

…

“Liam.” That was Jessa. A few days had passed since Louis got Liam in the shower. “Sit down with me a bit.” Liam’s alarm bells started going off. But he sat next to her, wondering what was wrong. Was he leaving?

“Don’t worry Liam, I just want to talk with you. How are you doing? I’m sorry, I’ve been so busy with Harry and the girls I haven’t had much time to talk to you. Are you happy here?”

Happy. It was hard to be happy in his situation. “I’m all right with everything,” was his answer. To her credit, Jessa just nodded and didn’t push. “The other lads are all right, and I’ve gotten used to the rules and stuff.”

“Yes, you never give us a hard time about those, and we’ve noticed. Now, I need to ask you something else.” Liam tried to get ready for it. “Has anybody coerced you into doing anything? I mean, like sex. Because I can’t tolerate any abuse in this house. I’ll have to call Services if I think something’s going on.”

“No Jessa. I’m fine.” Liam tried to find a smile for her, but it was hard. Liam knew damned well she meant that, that they were concerned about consent, but Louis being a handsy bastard was the best thing about this place. 

“Okay. If anything happens, let me know. It’s just...I had to let another boy go because of that, and I don’t want it happening again.” Liam sat up a little straighter at that. The other boy, the one Louis was fucking around with before he got there. George. 

“I’ll let you know,” Liam said. He reached over and patted Jessa’s hand. Both her and Brian cared, in their own ways. “Escuse me, I’m gong to go downstairs for a bit.” 

“Leave the upstairs door open,” Jessa said, and Liam nodded, taking a Coke with him. He needed to talk to Louis soon.

…

Liam had to wait until another day where him and Louis had gotten out for a little while. They were walking down the street, heading to another chippie or curry place. After a minute, Liam said “Jessa talked to me.” 

Louis said “Yeah?” It was very casual but Liam could see his jaw tighten. “What did she say?”

“She told me about George.” Louis sighed and stopped walking, standing in the mouth of an alley, like he wanted to get this over with. “I have to ask-why did they think you were molesting him, and why is he the one to have to leave?”

“Because they thought he was molesting me,” Louis said quietly. “I didn’t say he did, but...they caught us.” Louis chewed his lip, staring at the sidewalk. “George looked like a choirboy, but he was a top through and through. It wasn’t how it is with you, you let me take the lead most of the time. After the first time I kissed George, he was off to the races, it seemed like.”

“Oh,” Liam said, trying to picture it. But he had to stop, because that made him a bit turned on. “I’m sorry. Why did you start up with me then?” He had been standing to the side so he could look for Brian if he decided to check up on them, but he moved so he was facing Louis. “It was a big risk to take.”

“I know. But I’m just...I hate being here every minute and I just want something nice for meself. You can’t blame me for that, it’s the same for you. We don’t have to think of everything in our fucked up lives when we’re together. That’s why, I guess.” 

Liam looked at Louis. Louis had lifted his head and was staring at him straight on. Liam nodded at him, and Louis gave him a tight smile. “So, topping, huh?” Liam said, and Louis cracked up, shoving him. Then they headed down the street, and didn’t talk about it anymore.

…

 

A couple of days later, Harry found Liam in the kitchen. He leaned against the counter, and Liam waited. If Harry had something to say, he’d get it out eventually. 

After a few more minutes, Harry said “I’ve been thinking of running away. I don’t think I will, but I’ve been thinking about it.”

“Why?” Liam said, even though he had an idea.

“Because then I’d just be crazy all the time and won’t notice how fucked things are. And I know that Jessa and Brian say they love me, but it doesn’t feel that way because it’s not...it’s hard for me to see when I’m like this. I’m depressed all the time. I’m not depressed when I think the enemy’s out to get me.” 

“You’d be vulnerable, though,” Liam said, even though he was sure Harry had already thought of that. “You’d be on the streets alone, and people will take advantage. If nothing else, you’ll be safer here.” 

“I know. It’s one reason I won’t do it.” Harry shoved off the counter, and got a banana. “There’s other reasons to. Mostly, I wouldn’t like doing that to Jessa.”

“You love them back?” Harry nodded and he peeled his banana. “Do you think there’s anything you could say to your real dad? To make him see the adoption would be the best thing?” He thought maybe he was overstepping, but he wanted to know. 

Harry stared at him. “I don’t know if I have a current phone number,” he said slowly. “But it’s not a bad idea. Problem is, I sound depressed and he might not believe me. But maybe my mood will balance out.” 

“Try it if you feel better in a week or two,” Liam said. Then he fixed two cups of tea while Harry finished his banana. He hoped that he helped Harry somehow.

…

Liam felt like the walls were closing around him. He kept getting into more red tape about him going home to one of his sisters, and he was starting to think he’d be in foster care until he was of age. 

“You might be,” Niall said when he told him. “My parent’s stupid divorce is over, and I’m still here.” Niall clipped his nails short. “I wish I had my guitar. I wasn’t allowed to bring it, the foster people didn’t want to deal with it.”

“Yeah,” Zayn said. “I could bring some of my art pencils, but not much. They for sure wouldn’t like me have spray paint.” They were all in the room, lying around. Louis was right next to Liam, close enough for their arms to touch. It was close enough that Liam figured they must look like boyfriends. 

“Lou, do you wish you could’ve brought anything from home?” Zayn said that, from wher he was sketching. Liam craned his head to look-it was a portrait of Niall. 

“No. I just wish I could be home.” Louis moved, knocking his arm against Liam’s. “I don’t want to talk about this. Why are we even doing this?” 

“Sorry,” Liam said, and Louis shushed him, and rolled over so he was facing Liam. He was close enough to kiss now, but Liam held back. The other boys were in the room. So Liam smiled at him, a little quirk of the mouth, and Louis didn’t push. 

When Liam looked back up he say Niall and Zayn have a telepathic communication of some sort, then they were back to drawing and fixing their nails respectively. Louis didn’t move away. Liam didn’t try to make him.

…

One school day, Liam got sent home. He had a crying spell at his desk, and it alarmed his teacher enough that she dismissed him for the rest of the day. He took the bus home to the home, and found the house quiet. 

He checked around, and it seemed like nearly everyone was gone. When he couldn’t find anyone, he went into the shower. He leaned against the way, still crying a bit, as he tried to get hold of himself. 

There was a knock on the bathroom door. “Um, I’m in here,” he said. There was another bathroom, after all.

“Liam?” Ir was Louis’s voice. Liam relaxed just hearing it. “Are you all right? Can I come in?” 

Liam didn’t know if he wanted to be bothered, but he said “Yeah.” He heard the door open, and then Louis was in the shower with him, running his hands over Liam’s body. 

“I got sent home from school,” Liam said. “I couldn’t stop crying.” He knew that Louis should be in school too, but he didn’t ask what he was doing home. 

“I’m sorry,” Louis said, and he kissed Liam’s cheek. “I can leave, if you want.” Liam shook his head. “What set you off?” 

“I don’t really know. I was feeling stressed and people in class were being awful and I lost it.” Liam sniffled, and Louis held him front to back, rocking him side to side. “I just couldn’t take anymore, I don’t know why.” Louis kissed his shoulder, making a soft reassuring noise. “I hate going to school and having to act like everything’s okay.”

“Right. Or live here and act like everything’s okay.” Liam turned to look at Louis, and he sighed. “Jessa and Brian are good people but they can’t fix us. You know what I’m talking about. They mean well but...”

“Yeah, I get it. Where is Jessa and the others anyway?” Louis’s hand came around and started to play with his balls and cock. It was soft, like if Louis was seeing if it was okay. Liam decided he was fine with it, and nodded. Louis played with him for a few minutes, then dropped his hand just when Liam was starting to get interested. “Teasing bastard.”

“Yes.” Louis pulled back a bit, nothing touching Liam. Liam stroked his own cock a couple of times. “Nice. Harry had an appointment, with a social worker or something. She took the girls with her.” Louis kept touching him gently, and Liam tipped his head back on Louis’s shoulder. “You’re okay?”

“You can touch me, yeah. You always get me going.” He was still pretty miserable, but he was here, and being kind. 

“Okay. Tell me if it’s too much, or you want to stop.” Liam figured they were still trying to find the boundaries of whatever it was they were doing. Liam turned to face Louis, and they kissed. It was soft, and Louis moved his hands back to Liam’s bum, stroking over it. Liam deepened the kiss, putting his hands on Louis too. Time dragged, Liam not sure how long they were in there. The sound of the shower was loud, blocking out other sounds.

And that was how Jessa caught them.

…

Half an hour later, Liam and Louis were dressed and seated at the table. Jessa had called Brian at work and he was on his way over. The rest of the boys were there too, frowning. Liam hoped they would back him and Louis up. 

Jessa looked like she would cry. She didn’t say much yet, waiting on Brian, but she was trying to drink her tea with shaking hands. Liam decided to break the silence. “Louis didn’t molest me. He never pushed me into anything.” 

Jessa put the cup down. “I know that’s what you believe, Liam,” she said. “But Louis has issues he probably hasn’t told you. I think he’s trying to repeat behaviors from his past.” Louis had been looking down at his lap, but he snapped his head up at that, fixing Jessa with a glare. “I’m sorry love, but it’s true.”

“What behavior?” Liam was honestly baffled. Louis had never said anything about his life other than he missed home. Louis didn’t look at him and first, but then he sighed and crossed his arms over his chest.

“You didn’t really believe me when I said I got put in foster care just for switching prices on sandwiches, did you?” Louis wiped his eyes. “My sister caught mum’s boyfriend with me, and me and all my siblings got taken out of her care. I still haven’t called her. I can’t bear to.” 

“Louis, it wasn’t your fault,” Jessa said. “And if you keep acting out like this, I’m scared it’s going to ruin your relationships later. And anyway, we can’t have this behavior in the house. The girls don’t need to see that.”

“They haven’t though,” Harry said. “They’ve been keeping it quiet, haven’t you?” Liam nodded, and looked back at Louis, who was still crying softly. Harry moved closer, and put his hand on Louis’s arm. “It’s me,” he said when Louis flinched. “Sorry, should’ve asked.” 

“It’s okay.” Louis looked over at Jessa. “Don’t blame Liam for any of this, I offered him something to get his mind off what’s happened to him and he took it. And, I love him, even though he doesn’t feel that way about me.” 

Liam was stunned. He knew Louis liked him, but he didn’t know that. It was true though, he cared for Louis in a way, but maybe not like that. “I’m sorry,” he said, and Louis put his head in his hands. Harry put an arm around Louis, and Liam looked up in time to see Niall and Zayn pull in closer. 

“We’re all in this,” Niall said. “I know we’re not supposed to get too close, but we’re like a family, right?” Liam looked up at him and wanted to cry. He should have known he could count on Niall. Jessa didn’t say anything, and they sat like that until Brian came home.

…

In the end, neither Louis or Liam had to leave the home. Instead they were forbidden to be alone together, and Liam was put in to room with Harry. Liam was also scheduled for therapy once Jessa found out how Liam came to be home early that day. 

“It’s not that bad, really,” Harry told him. Harry looked better himself, seemingly less depressed than a few days ago. “They’re just looking out for both of you.”

“I know,” Liam said. “But Louis is taking it kind of hard.” Now that he knew that Louis was in love, Liam could see how lonely and desperate he was without Liam around. “Maybe Louis needs therapy too.” 

“I’m sure he does, but Jessa already has her hands full taking all of us.” Harry came in and kissed Liam’s cheek. He really was being sweet these days. Liam suddenly wondered if he was getting close to another relapse. 

“Harry, how are you feeling? You seem to be doing good.” 

“For now,” Harry said, and he turned to make up his bed. “I don’t expect it to last long, but I’m going to keep up my medication this time. Oh, and I’ve been thinking about what you said. I might do it.” 

Liam had to think about it. “You mean call your dad?” Harry looked over his shoulder and nodded. “Good. Give it a try.” Liam had to be quiet then. He wished he could call his dad, but there was nothing he could do. He cried softly as he made up his bed, and Harry thankfully didn’t ask him about it. 

…

Liam could feel the walls he was putting up, now that Louis was being kept from him. Louis probably felt the same way, but he also kept staring at Liam every chance he got. Liam was irritated by it-being pulled apart wasn’t his idea. But every time, even during meals, Louis would give him a flat stare. Liam didn’t know what else to do, so he ignored it. 

“He just misses you.” Zayn sat outside with him, and they shared a cigarette. Liam had never smoked until he got into foster care. Now he was quite fond of it. “He doesn’t know what else to do.” 

“Well, he could be out here with us right now. We wouldn’t be alone. And it’s not my fault. He’s acting like I wanted this to happen. It’s not fair.” He passed Zayn the cigarette. “I know he’s upset because he thinks I don’t love him.”

“You don’t, you even told him.” Zayn sucked on the cig and glared off into the distance. “The whole things a mess. Louis can barely function, you’re in therapy, and me and Niall can’t do anything about it. I wish we could.” 

“I know. I wish I could too.” He missed Louis so much it made him question how he felt. Maybe he did love him. Maybe not. What he felt seemed unimportant anyway. “Maybe I should just ask to be transferred. I don’t want to go, but maybe it would be easier on him.” 

Zayn passed the cigarette over. “I don’t think that would help. And then me and Niall would miss you. Niall really thinks of us as his brothers, since his real one doesn’t talk to him anymore.” Liam blew out the smoke, and handed the cigarette back. “I have something I need to tell you.”

Liam went still. Whatever it was, it had to be bad news. 

“I think I’m going back home. My parents have done everything the courts asked them to. I don’t think they can keep me much longer. My social worker put in an order for me to be sent back.” Zayn took a drag, then stubbed the rest of the cigarette out. “I won’t lie, I can’t wait to be back.”

“I’m glad,” Liam said after a long awkward silence. “But I’ll miss the shit out of you.” That made Zayn laugh, and Liam did too, a little. “Be sure to text me at least.” 

“Oh I plan to. Is there anything happening on your end, with your sisters?” 

“I don’t really know.” Liam squinted at the setting sun. “I don’t think anyone tells me much. I find out last.” Liam rubbed his temples. Just thinking about it gave him a headache. Things were so hard. 

…

A week later, someone left. Not Zayn.

Niall got a sudden phone call telling him that his father was ready to take him back home. Niall got the news Monday, and Tuesday he was hugging all of them goodbye, tears in his eyes. They all swore they would keep in touch, then Niall hugged Zayn one more time before getting in the car. Liam waved as the car drove off, feeling numb inside.

Things between the four of them changed after that. Niall had been sort of a linchpin, holding them together, and with him gone they all seemed to withdraw. Zayn would go days without saying more than ten words, just smoking and isolating himself. Harry slid back into a mild version of his depression. Liam felt lonely and cried in the shower. Louis just kept staring Liam down whenever he was in the room.

When Zayn left, Liam hugged him so hard that Zayn laughed and pushed him back. “Stop it. I’ll text you every day. I’m glad I met you, all of you. But I can’t wait to get home.” Zayn hugged the others and then he was gone as well. 

And then there were three. Without Niall and Zayn around, Louis was around more, less barriers between them. But he didn’t seem to make any moves. Liam wondered if Louis didn’t care about him any more. In a way, he hoped so-it would be easier for Louis if he did. 

Liam went through the motions-going to school and therapy and watching after Harry when he was feeling down. Jessa and Brian could tell things were bad, and tried to do things like take them on outings and things. It didn’t help much. 

Two weeks after Zayn left, Liam got back from therapy and helped Jessa fix dinner. He’d gotten pulled into a lot of domestic stuff, as she wanted to keep him where she could see him. He didn’t mind-he probably liked her more than any other foster mum. And his cooking skills were improving. 

When it was ready, he went back to call Louis to supper. “Hey. Food’s ready. I fixed the potatoes.” 

Louis got up from his bunk, and stood in front of Liam, blue eyes staring through him. His face was blank, no expression, as he moved closer. Liam closed the door behind him, and stood still. “Louis...”

Louis pounced, closing the space between them. He put his hands on Liam’s face and kissed him hard. Liam knew something was going to happen, but it still nearly knocked him over, his head hitting the door from the force. He could feel the desperation in Louis’s hands and mouth. He moved his arms, encircling Louis carefully. “Shhh, it’s okay,” Liam whispered when Louis pulled back.

“No it isn’t. Nothing’s okay. It’s not going to be okay. I can’t even look my mum in the eyes when I do see her. I don’t have anyone. I don’t have you, you don’t want me. Or you do, but it’s not enough.” Louis kissed him again, biting a little. “Just tell me you miss it.”

“I do. I do. All the time.” Liam reached out and brushed a hand through Louis’s hair. “Louis, what happened to you wasn’t your fault.” Louis shook his head. “It wasn’t. You need to talk to your mum, she misses you. I don’t think she blames you.” 

Louis didn’t say anything, but looked down. Liam knew by now when Louis was trying to shut people out. “Please. Call her. And we have to go, before they come looking for us. You’ll like dinner, I’m getting better at cooking.”

“Since you started from zero, I guess you had nowhere to go but up.” Louis looked back up at him, smirking. Liam smiled seeing it, like the old Louis was coming back. “Okay. Since you helped cook.” Louis leaned in, touching his forehead to Liam’s. “Let’s go.” 

Louis moved aside and they left the room, coming to the table before Jessa could get them. 

…

One day, a Friday, Liam got home to find Jessa crying and Harry hugging her. “What happened? Does Harry have to leave?” Liam felt numb panic deep in his gut. That couldn’t happen. It would be too terrible. “He can’t leave.” 

“No, no.” Jessa wiped her eyes. “Harry’s father signed his rights away. Harry talked to him, and told him he was doing well here. And he convinced his dad it was the right thing. So now we’re on the track to adopt Harry. I’m just so happy.” 

Harry beamed at him, and Liam went to give them both a hug. “That’s great. That’s great. I’m so glad. You deserve it Harry.” Liam looked around. “Where’s Brian and Louis?”

“Louis has a thing after school,” Jessa said. “He’s been trying to do better in class, and he joined drama.” Liam felt a bit surprised, but on second thought it seemed like something he would do. “Brian’s just left work and he’s gone to get a cake. We’re celebrating tonight.”

“Yes, yes we should.” Liam felt a surge of happiness, and he remembered how at first he never wanted to get close. It was far too late for that now. He hugged them both again, then pulled out his phone. Zayn and Niall needed to know.

The celebration dinner was fun. Louis came home later and hugged Harry hard when he found out. They had cake and watched movies together. Louis sat next to Liam, and Brian either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Halfway through Lilo and Stitch Liam felt Louis take his hand, hidden in the dark room. Liam squeezed it. 

…

A few weeks later, Liam got a call.

“Hello? This is Miriam, you remember me Liam?”

“Yes, hi!” Liam was happy for a friendly voice. “What’s going on, I thought you got promoted?”

“I did,” Miriam said. “But there’s some news and I wanted to tell you myself. “I think your sisters are ready to take you in. They’ve gotten a flat together and Ruth has gotten a new job. They’ve got a room for you and everything. I think it’s going to happen. I wanted to be the one to tell you.” 

“Oh. Oh. Thank you.” Liam was speechless, nearly. “I don’t know what to say.” 

“Just do well Liam, that’s all I want. Go home and make me proud. You’re going to do fine, with your sisters or without. I have to go now, I’ve got a lot to do. But I wanted to tell you myself. Now be good.” 

“Yes ma’am. Thank you.” Liam hung up the house phone with numb fingers, and went back to his bed in Harry’s room. The tears came quickly, a combination of happiness and missing his parents and so much change, too much change in too short a time. 

He heard the door open and didn’t need to look. “Lou?” He saw skinny legs in shorts, and then Louis was shoving him to the side, getting in bed with him. “I’m gonna leave soon,” he said, and then Louis covered Liam’s mouth with his. 

“I figured,” Louis said when he pulled back. Liam rolled on his back, and Louis snuggled on top of him. “You sounded like you were happy.” Louis kissed him again. “I’m selfish. I don’t want you to go yet. I’m not ready.” 

Liam cupped Louis’s cheek. “Take care of yourself.” Louis started to scoff, but Liam continued. “I mean it. I’m glad you’re taking theater, it suits you. Don’t hate yourself about what happened. Call your mum. And maybe don’t start up with my replacement. Unless you really want to.” 

“Maybe. Dunno.” Louis wiped his eyes. “I might miss you too much. Or, I might get into someone’s trousers to forget about you. Probably the second.” Liam leaned up to kiss Louis softly. “I’m a nightmare. No wonder you don’t love me.” 

“I don’t know why I don’t,” Liam said. “Maybe it’s just because I missed my old life so much. I don’t think it’s your fault.” Louis slid over so he was spooned on Liam’s side, and they lay together for a while. “I’ll miss you, I can promise you that.” 

“Text me. I might not answer back at first because it hurts. It hurts right now, knowing you’re going to go. I wish you could stay. But I’m sure you’re ready to move on.”

“Yeah.” Liam traced his finger over Louis’s jaw. “You’re so nice to look at,” he said, and Louis blushed. “I’m sorry, should I not have said that?” 

“It’s fine,” Louis said. “Just a bit weird. I don’t think I’m much to look at. I’m not strong, or tall. The only people who seem to like me are creepy fuckers, like mum’s boyfriend. I’m not ever saying his name, by the way.”

“Good. He deserves to be nameless,” Liam said. Louis nuzzled him, kissing his neck. “We should go, Jessa’s going to find us.” 

“I know. But I wanted to kiss you.” Louis scrambled out of the bed. “Tell them, Jessa might get you a cake as well.” 

“I doubt that.” The house didn’t celebrate departures really. Niall and Zayn both got bag lunches, but that was it. “I wonder how long before they get someone else.”

“I’m surprised they haven’t, we’ve got two vacancies.” Louis stretched his arms over his head, and Liam looked at the little strip of belly. “I wonder if the new lads will be good looking.”

“Don’t pick your new boy before I leave!” Louis looked honestly shocked, and then they both started laughing. They laughed so much that Harry knocked at the door, and they got to tell him that Liam was going home.

…

It seemed to take forever, to go home. Liam went to school and therapy and waited. Louis waited with him, watching movies with him. Brian and Jessa saw them sitting together, but seemed to not want to do anything about it. 

When the day came, Harry and Louis helped him pack. Well, Harry helped and Louis cracked one joke after another, seeming to want to distract himself more than anyone else. When he was done, Harry gave him a hug. “Be good at home,” he said. 

“You be good too. Do well.” Harry had been, and he seemed more relaxed, now that his future wasn’t as unsure. Liam turned to Louis. “Lou-”

“I can’t,” Louis said suddenly. “I can’t say goodbye. You know what my number is.” Then Louis ran out of the room. Liam heard him stomp downstairs to the rec room. Liam sighed. 

“He can’t help it,” Harry said. “Just go home, say hi to your sisters for me. Don’t worry.” Liam took his suitcase and headed down the hall. Jessa handed him a lunch, and Brian and the girls waved. Liam noticed that they were being oddly distant. He suddenly wondered if the departures were hard on his foster parents. If so, that would make them an exception. 

Liam watched the house as he was driven away. He hoped Louis was okay, then he tried to put him out of his mind. Louis would probably forget him soon, he should probably do the same. 

Liam didn’t think about much of anything until he got to his new home. Roo and Nicola ran up to him and enveloped him in a hug, cooing over him and how he looked. “Come in, I’ll make you a sandwich,” Roo said, and Liam handed his lunch that Jessa packed him to Nicola. He wanted whatever Ruth would fix him more.

…

For the next few weeks, Liam felt something was off but he wasn’t sure what it was. His grades were dropping, and he felt adrift. One time, after texting Niall, Liam figured it out. He’d gotten used to the structure of his last foster home, and without it he was floundering. He started working out a schedule for himself, so he could pull up his grades. Ruth commented on it. “You’re so much more mature now.”

Liam smiled and said nothing. 

Liam texted all the lads from time to time. Everyone but Louis texted back. Liam had been warned but it still hurt more than he expected. He sent Louis a text that said **Miss you** with a sad smiley face. It was all he could think to do. 

An hour later, he got a text back. **Lights out here. Miss you too.**

Liam fumbled his phone, but sent Louis a message. **How are things at the home?**

**We got new boys here now** , Louis sent back. There was a minute, and then Louis sent a photo of a boy sleeping. He was handsome, with high cheekbones. **This is Josh.**

Liam felt a pang, looking at him. **Your new boy? Is he nice to you?** Louis was moving on. And he knew it would happen, but it still hurt, a little. 

**Not as nice as you were. It’s okay. I miss you though.**

Liam didn’t know what to say to that, so he changed the subject. **Have you talked to your mum?**

 **Texted her. We’ve started keeping in touch that way. Easier than talking. I’m going to sleep now. I’ll text you back later.** Liam sighed, feeling sad and mixed up, worse than before Louis answered.

 **I’ll see you.** , He sent. Then he turned his phone off and went to bed. 

…

“I need to tell you something,” he said at dinner the next day.

His sisters looked at each other, then at him. “Okay. What is it? Is everything okay at school?” Liam thought about the bullying, and how it faded off after he came back after being gone. Nobody had the stomach to bully the kid with dead parents, it seemed. 

“Everything’s okay at school. At the last foster home, you know, the one I told you about?” Ruth nodded. “I had a...relationship there. With one of the other boys. And I miss him.” 

There was silence at the table. Then Nicola said “A relationship? Liam...did you consent to this?” She looked straight at him, holding herself very still. “I need to know, do I need to file a complaint with the foster system?”

“You don’t have to,” Liam said. “I consented to everything. He wasn’t much older than me, he wasn’t eighteen. I liked it, it was nice. But he fell in love with me, and we were discovered. It was a big mess. I texted him last night, and he’s moved on to another boy.” 

Liam sat there, eyes on his plate, feeling his sister’s shocked stares. “I told him I didn’t love him, that it was just for fun. I don’t know if that’s true now.” Then he couldn’t take anymore, and he ran back to his room. 

He closed the door behind him, and fell on his bed. He felt himself shake, sobbing into the pillow. He missed his parents so much then, maybe his father would have understood how he felt. Maybe not. 

After a few minutes, he heard a knock on his door. He sat up on his bed just when Ruth came in. She sat next to him, and Liam leaned on her shoulder, still crying. “Liam,” she said, brushing her hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. We didn’t know what you were going through. You just seemed so withdrawn when you got back.” 

Liam sobbed a bit more, then tried to get hold of himself. He sucked in one deep breath of air, and then out. He saw Nic at the doorway then. “Hey.” 

She giggled, a little. “Hey. We didn’t know you liked boys.”

Liam wiped his eyes. “I know. I wasn’t sure myself until last year. I was going to tell everyone, but then we lost mum and dad.” Liam almost cried again but he tried to stay strong. “I didn’t think it would be an issue anyway, but then I met Louis.” 

“I don’t know if I like this Louis,” Ruth said. “How could he just replace you like that?” Liam thought for a while, and looked over at her.

“He’s got problems,” Liam said. “He’s acting out with sex. It’s not healthy. But he acted like he really did love me. I still think he does. Now that there’s nothing I can do about it.” Liam wiped at his eyes. “I wish I could see him again. But I won’t be able to, I’m sure.”

“Probably not,” Ruth said, kissing Liam’s cheek. “We’ll do everything we can to help you though. Do you want to continue therapy? Is there anything you want to do? Maybe you need something you can concentrate on.”

Liam thought about Louis, how he took drama to deal with his restlessness and sadness. “Maybe something with music?” He’d always liked to sing, but he’d stopped after the accident. “I might try X Factor.” 

“Yeah. We can look around, get you gigs locally so you can practice.” Nic came over to sit on Liam’s other side. “I’m sorry. You never deserved any of this.” 

“None of us did,” Liam said. Ruth started crying then, and they all huddled together. 

…

Liam texted Louis a couple of days later. **I told my sisters about us. I told them I missed you. I’m going to start singing again. It’s okay if you don’t reply to this. I hope you’re happy.** Then he added a heart, and sent it. 

Late that night, his phone buzzed. Liam checked it, half asleep. It was Louis. **I guess we probably should move on, huh?**

 **Maybe** , Liam said. Then the screen went dark and his phone rang. “Shhh,” he said. “The walls are really thin here.”

“I’m in the bathroom,” Louis said. “Hopefully nobody will hear me. Do you want to stop talking?”

“I don’t want to, but maybe we should,” Liam said. There was a pause, and then Liam said “Because I think being in touch will make us miserable, and because it might be holding you back.” He got out of bed and walked to the window, looking out at the street. 

“I get what you mean,” Louis said. “But I’m going to miss the hell out of you either way. Josh doesn’t understand me the way you did.” Louis bringing up Josh made Liam’s chest tighten. 

“I wish I didn’t know about him,” Liam said. “I know we joked about it, but...”

“Yeah. I’m sorry.” Louis was silent for a minute. “So, goodbye I guess?”  
“Maybe we’ll meet again, in a few years.” When they both weren’t so fucked up. “Good luck, Lou.”

“See you Liam,” Louis said in a sad, wistful voice, and then the phone cut off. Liam turned his phone off, then got back in bed. He was awake for a long time, so numb he couldn’t even cry. 

…

Liam went through the rest of the school year feeling like a major part of his personality was missing. From the combination of losing his parents and then Louis, he wasn’t even sure what was left. But he started getting serious about singing, trying it again. He played bingo halls, old people’s homes, any place he could. He even managed to get some voice lessons. It didn’t make him forget about Louis, but it filled up time, and gave him a goal.

When it came time to try out for X Factor, he borrowed a pair of jeans from a friend, hugged his sisters goodbye, and took the train by himself. He got there insanely early, to wait in line. When it was his time, he felt like he was going to faint from nervousness. 

“Hi. What’s your name?” 

“Liam Payne.” They asked him a few more questions, then they let him sing. Liam was dimly aware of applause and cheering as he finished, but he blanked most of it out. Simon Cowell had to tell him twice that he’d gotten through before it sunk in. 

Afterward, he did an interview for the people going through, and when they found out he was orphaned, they pounced on that right away. He mentioned being in the foster system, but glossed it over as much as he could, talking about his sisters instead. 

“Where are your sisters?” The interviewer asked. 

“They had to work,” Liam said. “I came here by myself.” The interviewer looked shocked, and Liam felt confused and a bit ashamed. The interview finished up soon after that. He walked away wondering if he sounded pathetic to the interviewer. 

He got through that day, then he had to face the judges to sing at Cowell’s ridiculously huge mansion. Liam walked in, thinking how before his parents died, he wanted a house just like this. His priorities were different now. He just wanted a home. 

He sang, feeling all alone. He wished he’d had someone with him, a duet partner or a group. But he put everything he had into it. He just wanted to be noticed. Maybe the judges would notice him.

When he was done, the judges deliberated, Simon pretended to be undecided, then he was let through. Liam felt his face light up, and like a weight was lifted from his body. “Thank you. Thank you so much,” he said. 

“Make us proud,” Caroline said.

Liam thought of Louis then, thought of him watching. “I will,” he said, and then he was moved on for the next person. 

The next few months were hectic, bizarre and lonely as he worked as hard as he could. It was a fantastic year, with so much talent and Liam worked himself ragged just to keep up, He got encouraging texts from all the lads at Jessa nd Brian’s, except from Louis. He knew he’d asked for no contact, but it still hurt. 

When he got to the top five, he almost thought he would collapse. He was losing weight, just because the nerves made it hard to keep down food. The showrunners started giving him protein shakes just to keep from losing too much muscle. And it was hard to make friends. He thought that X Factor was a lot like the foster system-as soon as he felt close to someone, they were gone. 

He kept plugging along, best as he could. He would have long phone conversations at night with Niall, who probably helped keep him in the race. “I wish you were here, you could play guitar and sing with me,” Liam said. “I wish I had a friend.”

“You do, even though I’m not with you,” Niall said. “Hey, call Harry, he’s been feeling depressed again. They’re messing with his medication and he’s sleeping a lot. He’d love to hear from you.” 

“Okay, I will. Cheers.” He ended the call and talked to Harry for ten minutes. Harry mostly replied in one-word sentences, but it felt good to talk to him. 

“Oh,” Harry said towards the end. “Louis isn’t here anymore.”

“No?” Liam thought about it. “Didn’t he turn eighteen at Christmas?”

“Yeah,” Harry said. “He’s living with his Gran now. I’m not sure why she didn’t take him in at first, but he stays in touch some. He’s got a job. He says he’s doing okay.” Harry paused. “So you haven’t talked to him lately?”

Liam needed a minute to get his tongue. “We agreed not to talk to each other for a while,” he said. “It would hurt both of us. But I’m glad to hear he’s doing well.” Liam was glad to hear it, and he wondered if Louis was watching on X Factor. Maybe Louis still cared enough to do that.

“Yeah,” Harry said, and then lapsed back into silence. After a few minutes of nothing, Liam begged off. Harry wished him luck, and that was it. When he went to bed that night, he cried a bit, trying to keep it quiet. He didn’t want that to wind up in the show.

His last show turned out to be the one he thought he did the best at. His song for that night was “Time After Time,” a nice classic, and not something he would normally sing. It made him think of Louis as well, even though he couldn’t say so. So he threw everything he had into it, and the crowd loved it. 

That next night he was eliminated, at number four, despite his last performance. He cried a lot, while everyone else told him he’d be fine, he’d get a contract no problem, and he’d be on the tour. He still cried. 

“I feel like I let mum and dad down,” he sobbed. Matt hugged him, rubbing his back.

“You did no such thing. You made them proud, okay? You made them proud.” Rebecca hugged him too, and he kept wailing. It was a few minutes before he could do the after interviews. Then he was calling his sisters, who weren’t able to come see that show, and talking to everyone he knew. Except for Louis. 

Matt was right, he did get a contract pretty fast. It was bewildering, trying to figure out the contract and he had the strong feeling he was being screwed over. But he decided to take it, he needed this break. After he signed it, he went to a meeting, and a major record exec, without even looking over at him, asked him “Are you queer? Do you need to try to straighten up your image?”

Liam didn’t know how to respond, his mouth dropped open. The exec waved him away like he was an annoying bug. “Find a girl for him to be seen with. And give him more media training, he can’t do that in an interview.” Then Liam was hustled out of the room by his new manager. 

Liam went on the X Factor tour, and it was a welcome relief to the isolation he’d been feeling as a solo artist. Suddenly he was back with some of his show mates, and it was a good time. The shows were a laugh, as he learned what he could really do onstage. “Time After Time” was his closing number, and it brought down the house every night.

So he did the shows, dizzy from lack of sleep because he was recording in the hotel rooms on the road, and everything seemed strange and unreal. He wondered if he was just dreaming sometimes, living out what he wanted in his head. Or if he died, instead of his parents, and this was his afterlife. After he told Matt that, Matt started making sure Liam got at least four hours of sleep a night. That grounded him a little bit.

One night, he got off at one place (what city was he in? He didn’t know.) and started taking photos with fans. “Hi. What’s your name? No, don’t cry. Yeah, let’s take a picture. Thank you Melanie.” It was a good crowd, and then-oh.

Standing in front of him was Louis, in the crowd with the others, and wearing a t-shirt with his face on it. “Lou, hi,” he said, gobsmacked. Louis smiled, looking a bit shy. Liam wanted to kiss him, but he remembered that he was surrounded by fans. “Hey, would you like to wait in my bus? I can talk to you a bit then.” Liam looked over to one of the bodyguards, then back at the crowd. “This is my old foster brother.” 

All of his fans ooohed. His history in the foster system had been hyped massively on the show, so everyone knew about it. Louis looked a bit cross, but he went with Bones (so named because he was huge, built like a brick wall), and waved back at Liam. Liam did a few more minutes of meeting fans, and then he went back to the bus as well.

Louis was waiting in the back of the bus, talking to Bones. When Liam came in, Louis smirked at him. “I was going to call you a twat for just sending me off with your bodyguard. Who do you think I am, a common groupie?” Bones left at that, shaking his head.

Liam sat next to Louis. “I’ll have to apologize to Bones for that one,” Liam said. “It’s good to see you. I thought about you a lot, during the show.” Liam got a bottle of water, and handed Louis a beer. “Want one? There’s loads of these around here.” 

“Thank you.” Louis slouched forward, and took a swig of the beer. His hair was fixed differently, and he looked like he'd gained some weight, muscle, in his upper body. “I missed you a lot. And then one day Niall tells me to watch X Factor. I almost didn’t, but there you were. And now...I’m really happy, for you.” Louis stared through Liam, the way he used to at the beginning. “But I’m jealous. Now everyone, all those girls, they can see what I saw, from the start. That you’re so talented and amazing. And I just want to...shove them all out of the way and tell them they can’t look. Because you’re mine. But that’s not true, is it?” 

“Lou...” Liam didn’t know what to say. Louis’s emotional valleys were deeper and more complicated than his own. “I think I was wrong, saying I didn’t love you. I wasn’t sure how I felt, but I missed you too much. And those girls only see what my record company wants them to see. That girl I go to movie openings with, she’s not my girlfriend. You know she’s not.” Louis didn’t look over at Liam, but he nodded. “But there’s no way we could be together right now. I’m honestly too busy. And it doesn’t mean I don’t want to. But my schedule is mad. I’m recording my record now, on tour. So are all of us.” Louis was silent, but he didn’t seem angry.

Liam sipped more of his water. “Why’d you come and see me? I heard you had a job, yeah?”

Louis drank more of the beer. “Yeah, working at Toys R Us, living off my Gran, which is the last thing I want. I do get to see my family a lot more, though. And I’m taking theater classes. I don’t think I’m good enough for Shakespeare, but it’s fun.” 

“Are you talking to your mum?” Liam almost didn’t want to bring it up. 

“More than I was. Turns out she was blaming herself too. Which made it hard for us to talk.” Louis methodically pulled the label off the bottle of beer. Liam watched Lou’s elegant fingers crumple it up. “Thanks for making me talk to her.” Louis looked of at him, and then leaned in. The kiss was short, too short. 

“What’s wrong?” Liam said. 

“Nothing, but I can’t really stay,” Louis said. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I have to be at work on time tomorrow. I’m honestly not ready to just be your groupie anyway. We’re been through too much together for that, you know? But I’m proud of you. I really am.” 

Louis got up and stretched, his shirt riding up. “I just wanted to see how my Liam was doing,” He said. “Do you want to go back to keeping in touch, or is it still too weird? I’ll do whatever you want.” 

“I wish I could just keep you on this bus, take you with me,” Liam said, and Louis laughed, a broken-off chuckle. “But you’d hate it, and the record company would want to kill me. They’re freaking out ‘cause I’m not straight. But yes, I’d like to talk to you again. I’m really busy, so it won’t be as much as we both want. I’m sorry. I missed you too.” 

“Okay,” Louis said, moving so he was standing in front of Liam. “Give me your phone, I’ll put my number in it.” Liam handed it over, and soon Louis gave it back. They were silent for a minute, just staring at each other. 

“Hey Liam,” Louis said. “I guess it’s like that song you sang, your last night. You know the one. He started singing, in a high, plaintive voice. ‘If you’re lost you can look and you will find me...’”

“Time after time,” Liam finished with him. “You’ve got a good voice, Louis. I wish I could’ve done the show with you.” He stood up, standing in front of him, and Louis pulled him in for a hug.

“I don’t know, I think this was your dream. I’m just glad I got to see it.” Louis moved in for another kiss, this one longer. “I’m doing better, Li. I’ll keep trying to be better, I don’t want to disappoint you. I’ll see you again, I’m sure. And your parents would be proud.”

“You won’t disappoint me. And you will. I don’t know when there’s going to be a good time for us, but there will be.” Liam didn’t have much faith in any religious system, but he still had some beliefs that people might be fated for each other. “Thanks, I hope they would be proud. Go and get a good night’s rest, and text me whenever you want. Thanks for coming.”

“Bye Liam,” Louis said, hugging him once more. Then he was gone, out of the back of the bus. Liam didn’t cry this time. This didn’t feel like an end. He sat alone, drinking more water and resting. He felt his world slow down, just a bit, just enough that he wasn’t overwhelmed by it. 

After a while, he picked up a small keyboard his manager had gotten him as a gift. He was being encouraged to try writing songs, even though he didn’t have any input into the first record. “We can get you as many co-writers as you want, but it looks good for you to have a hand in the songwriting process,” his manager had said.

Appearances were everything to the record company. But Liam knew, somewhere, he had something to say. And he could: he had a lot of buzz, he was sure he’d be able to have a second record to say what he wanted. 

He started playing, bits of songs he knew, stuff he sang at home and on the show. He kept playing, until his fingers found some chords that were his. He played them for a few minutes, trying to find words to go with the melody. It was hard and he nearly quit several times, but he kept trying, singing by himself, trying to find the right way to show the world who he was.


End file.
